Learning To Speak Clingon

Ever been on one of those really bad dates? Like, when you need to call in a favor and have a mate call or text you that something major has happened, or you’ve just decided that you’re going overseas for an extended period of time, just so you can leave?

Why have you had to resort to such desperate measures? Because as the date progressed, to your horror you have seen the unimaginable unfold right before your eyes. You have found yourself in the presence of a CLINGER!

I’ve had a fair few of these, but am now a lot wiser, because I have mastered the language of “Clingon.”

There are different types of clingers, you have the outright proud clinger. There’s no secrets here, the second you meet, all she wants to talk about is how her past relationships failed, and how she hates to be alone… And how she thinks that after a cocktail or two, you might be the one to save her.

You’ve got the closet clinger. She will act all cool, calm and collected, you think to yourself, maybe I’ve found myself a normal, down to earth, low maintenance chick. You go out on your first date, things go great. You wake up to a text message the next morning, “Hey babe, was so good to meet you, hope we can catch up again sometime.” You smile, go about your day… It’s about lunch time… You receive another message, “Hey babe, just wanted to make sure you got my last message, not being a stalker or anything, just making sure my phone is working ” (Yeah, right) and then by dinner you’re reading, “If you didn’t want to see me again, you could’ve just said so!”, followed by, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean that, I’m sure you’re just busy”, then followed by, “You haven’t replied to any of my text messages why don’t you just tell me you don’t like me!?”

Then you’ve got the angry psycho clinger. Starts off seemingly innocently enough, she says shes been hurt before, softens you up a bit… But if you don’t want to see her again, look out! Other women have made her life hell so she intends on doing the same to you because you’re “Just like everyone else” she calls you every expletive under the sun, guilts you into believing you have made her depressed. And then she will try to be your friend, because she really has no one else… You might give it a go, out of pity, but again, if you’re not as friendly as she wants you to be, she’s going to bring out another one of her crazy personalities to bring up the past again and remind you of how much you broke her heart after dating her for two weeks.

It’s intense. So here are some tips to avoid these situations

1. If she messages you more than three times when you’re not responding, she obviously likes talking to herself, so she’s nuts.

2. If she’s talking about past hurts and relationships, she’s expecting you to be her hero, so either bring your cape or… Actually bring it either way, you’ll need it to get away too.

3. If she has suddenly decided after abusing you that she wants to be friends, it’s a trap! RUN!